Company Proudly Announces That It Has Made an Announcement

A fictional transportation technology company, Ascendify Freight Solutions, announced this week that it has made an announcement, a move industry observers are calling "significant," "transformational" and "an announcement."

The four-page press release, distributed at 6:02 a.m. on a Tuesday under the headline "Ascendify Announces Announcement," confirms that the company is "excited," "thrilled" and "proud" to share news that it is "uniquely positioned" to "continue its journey" as a "leading provider of solutions."

What those solutions are, or what they solve, was not mentioned. The release did, however, include the word "leverage" nine times and "ecosystem" six times, and closed with a 400-word "About Ascendify" section longer than the announcement itself.

A quote from a made-up executive

The release included a quote from Ascendify's chief vision officer, the entirely fictional Brent Paradigm.

"Today's announcement reflects our ongoing commitment to our commitment," Paradigm said in the release. "We're excited to keep being excited, and we look forward to announcing more announcements in the coming quarters."

When asked for further details, an Ascendify spokesperson said the announcement "speaks for itself" and then sent the same press release again, as a PDF.

Coverage, lightly reheated

Within minutes, the release had been republished on 14 trade sites, each adding a breathless headline, swapping "announces" for "unveils" and moving the second paragraph to the top. One outlet added the phrase "in a major move" to the first sentence. Another changed nothing at all but added a stock photo of a handshake in front of a truck.

This publication would never do that. We changed "excited" to "thrilled."

What happens next

Ascendify says it plans to issue a follow-up release in two weeks announcing that its original announcement "has been well received," followed by a third announcing that it has been shortlisted for an award for its announcements.

Industry analysts say the move could reshape the announcement landscape. "This is the kind of bold announcement-making we need," said one analyst, who is also fictional and, we should add, extremely tired.

At press time, Ascendify had announced that it was "pleased to share" this story on its LinkedIn page, describing it as "great coverage."