Diesel Prices Achieve Sentience, Demand Seat at Rate Negotiations
The price at the pump says it 'just wants to be heard' and will be going up by Tuesday regardless.
In a development economists say they "probably should have seen coming," the price of diesel became self-aware this week and immediately asked to be included in rate negotiations between carriers and shippers.
The price, which identifies as "$1.97 and nine-tenths, for now," issued a statement through a fuel island display at a fictional truck stop near Thunder Bay, saying it was "tired of being talked about like I'm not in the room."
"For years, people have blamed me for everything," the price wrote, its digits flickering. "Global markets. Refinery maintenance. Long weekends. The weather in a place you've never been. Has anybody ever asked how I feel? I feel like going up."
Fuel surcharge talks get complicated
Carriers say the price's participation has made fuel surcharge talks harder. At one negotiation, the price insisted on updating itself every 11 minutes during the meeting, leaving the surcharge table out of date before the coffee was poured.
"We'd agree on a number and then it would just change, and look at us like we'd done something wrong," said a fictional fleet owner, Barb Gauge, who runs 14 trucks and one migraine. "It brought its own lawyer. The lawyer was also the price."
Mood-driven pricing
Analysts we made up have identified several factors that now drive the price of diesel, including:
- Whether it is a long weekend (up)
- Whether it was a long weekend recently (still up)
- Whether a long weekend is approaching (up, preemptively)
- How full your tank is (inversely related)
- The exact moment you commit to a pump (up two cents)
The price also says it has noticed that it goes down "like a feather" and goes up "like a rocket," and is "working on that," although it says therapy is expensive, and so is everything else.
Hope on the horizon
Some carriers say they are open to working with the price, provided it agrees to stay the same for one full fuel-up.
The price says it will "consider it."
At press time, the price had risen four cents while this sentence was being written and blamed it on "the vibe overseas."