Hwy 401 Collector Lanes Named 'Most Improved Parking Lot' After Average Speed Soars to 4 km/h
Organizers praised the lanes for 'consistently delivering a stationary experience' while drivers in the express lanes were said to be 'deeply jealous, at 3 km/h.'
In a ceremony held on the shoulder because there was nowhere else to stop, the Highway 401 collector lanes through the city were named this year's "Most Improved Parking Lot" by the entirely fictional Ontario Society of Stationary Infrastructure.
Judges said the lanes impressed them by raising their average weekday speed from 3 km/h to a blistering 4 km/h, an improvement of 33% that one panelist described as "frankly reckless."
"We looked at a lot of parking lots this year," said Glenda Idleworth, the society's head judge, who is not a real person and was reached by phone while sitting in the same spot for 40 minutes. "Most of them are honest about what they are. These lanes have lines painted on them that suggest movement. That kind of ambition is rare."
A tough field
The collector lanes beat out several strong finalists, including a big-box store lot on Black Friday, a truck stop at 7 p.m. and a shipper's yard where, according to the judges, "a reefer has been idling since the spring."
Drivers stuck in the lanes reacted with pride. "I've been at this interchange so long my ELD started asking if I live here," said fictional owner-operator Rick Brakewell, who added that he has now eaten breakfast, lunch and a strategic dinner within sight of the same overhead sign.
Another driver, who asked to be identified only as "the guy in the left lane who will merge right at the last second," said he was honoured to be part of the achievement but would not be staying for the photo, "because I can see a gap."
Express lanes 'deeply jealous'
The win reportedly caused tension with the express lanes, which were moving at 3 km/h at press time. "We had a really good month," a fictional express lane spokesperson said. "Then a single pickup lost a ladder."
Organizers said next year's award will be presented in the same location, mostly because they have not been able to leave.
Truck Snooze recommends bringing a thermos, a phone charger and a forgiving bladder to the trophy presentation.