Left Lane Declared Protected Habitat for Sedans Doing Exactly the Speed Limit
Conservationists are celebrating a landmark win this week after the left lane of every major highway was formally declared a protected habitat for the endangered Steady Sedan, a shy species that travels at precisely the posted limit while a slightly slower minivan occupies the lane beside it.
Under the new rules, the Steady Sedan may not be disturbed, flashed, tailgated or "looked at in a judgmental way through the windshield." Drivers who come upon one are asked to remain calm, keep a respectful distance of four to six kilometres, and wait for the animal to leave on its own, which experts estimate will happen "at its exit, or at the heat death of the universe, whichever is farther."
A fragile ecosystem
Field researchers say the Steady Sedan is easy to spot. It cruises in the passing lane with its turn signal blinking for no reason, matches the speed of any truck it is beside, and reacts to the sight of a tractor-trailer in its mirror by gently slowing down "to let the big guy see how safe it is."
"People think they're just inconsiderate," said a fictional wildlife biologist who asked to be identified only as Dr. Exit Ramp. "But the left lane is the only place they feel safe. If we push them back into the right lane they encounter merging traffic, and nobody wants to see that."
What it means for truckers
Commercial drivers have been issued a laminated field guide showing how to tell a protected Steady Sedan apart from a regular Left Lane Camper (there is no difference, but the guide is very pretty). Fleets are also being encouraged to build extra time into every trip, a measure safety managers say they "basically already do, because of the sedans."
One long-haul driver said the policy had changed nothing about his commute. "I've been watching that same silver hatchback since Thursday," he said, adding that he has since named it, learned its music taste through two closed windows, and been invited to its wedding.
Officials stressed the habitat is temporary and will be reviewed in 2097.
Truck Snooze is a satire site. This story is made up.