Orange Barrel Population on Hwy 401 Now Exceeds That of Most Ontario Towns
Wildlife officials say the barrels are breeding faster than crews can remove them, and nobody has ever seen a crew.
A new census conducted by the fictional Ontario Institute of Things You See Out the Windshield has found that the orange construction barrel is now the dominant species along Highway 401, outnumbering cars, trucks and, in some stretches, the asphalt itself.
"We counted them three times," said lead researcher Dr. Pylon McCone. "Every time we went back there were more. We believe they reproduce in the overnight lane closures, when nobody is watching."
The study estimates the barrel population between the Quebec border and Windsor has grown so large that it would qualify for its own federal riding if barrels could vote, which, the report notes, "has not been ruled out."
A habitat in permanent transition
Researchers found that most barrels are placed beside work zones where no work appears to be taking place. One section near a made-up interchange called Exit 404½ has been a work zone since before the people driving through it were born.
"Some of these barrels have been on the shoulder longer than I've had my licence," said a long-haul driver we've chosen to call Trish, who has completed the trip roughly 1,900 times. "I've named a few of them. Kevin's been there since 2009. Kevin's never moved."
The collector lanes are a different matter
The study did not cover the collector-express system through the Greater Toronto Area, which researchers described as "a separate ecosystem with its own rules, its own weather and possibly its own time zone."
One graduate student who entered the collectors near the airport during the evening rush has not yet reported back, although he did text the group chat to say he was "moving at a steady 4 km/h" and "learning a lot about himself."
What's next
Officials say a long-term plan to reduce barrel numbers is under consideration. The plan's first phase involves placing several thousand new barrels around the area where the plan will be developed.
At press time, the study team had requested additional funding to count the cones, which they describe as "the barrels' smaller, more aggressive cousins."